Today I am supposed to go have another test to see if there is even a possibility that this month we could have success. And here I sit, trying to decide if I should make the call to the doctor's office to have the test ordered...then I have to go and take it. Once I get the results I will wait again...Will the test results be good or bad? Even if the results are good, will this be the month I cry happy tears, or will I again be feeling sorry for myself? I have a baby, and I know that there are others out there who are hoping for even 1, some of them my dear friends, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like something is missing. It doesn't change the fact that, although it may be selfish, I want another. I want Fuss to have a full sibling, that lives with him all the time. I need him to have someone else to distract him and play with him and help me regain some sanity.
The clincher came this morning when I logged onto the local news stations' website only to see an article about some European country doing additional testing on fertility treatments, including clomid, which is the treatment we are using, and how they are being found to be ineffective. It is like someone is trying to shoot an arrow through my heart. And I must say that if you are ever feeling baby hungry or baby disappointments, do not watch women's television, WE, Oxygen, Lifetime, etc...there are way too many baby commercials. Oh, the tears that are to be cried...over a commercial, and I am not even pregnant!
All I know is that D is a trooper. I am an emotional person anyway, and then put me on additional hormones, and you might as well call the psychotherapist and lock me in the looney bin. Seriously, I have a hard time living with myself. I don't know how D does it. Another hard part is that I know deep down D would be okay if we never had any more children. He has 4, and he is satisfied. I love all 4 of our boys, but I only got to hold one as a baby. I only got to cuddle and snuggle and feel that instant bond with one. The others were older, and a relationship had to be built between us. Besides, I still have the hope of having a girl, and the fear that if we do have another one it will be another boy. And maybe "fear" is the wrong word, because I know that if we have another boy I will love him as I do the others. Still, I girl would be fun. The more I think about it, the more I know I need to call the doctor and order the test, even if I am disappointed in one way or another. At least we get to enjoy the trying....
3 comments:
Oh A, I feel for you. I think you know what we've been through. (Or do you know the whole story? I'll tell it to you sometime...) I understand your pain and frustration. I wish I could help you through it. But I know I can't say or do anything that will make you feel better. Just know that I share in your sorrow and hopefully that will help lessen the burden in your heart. {{{hugs}}}
Awww Ann, this post makes me sad. I hope you decided to be brave and order your test. I'm sorry for your emotional roller coaster. Try to stay positive (you can do it).
That is so hard. I remember watching my Aunt have a hard time carrying babies and after having her 4th stillborn when I was pregnant with Dawson she chose to Adopt. I do however know two people who have had much success with clomed and both ended up with Twins. Jason's cousin that had twins was told that she would never have any kids. Since the twins she had another as well without Clomed. The Lord has a plan sometimes it is what we want sometimes it is what he thinks is best for us. Try to stay positive.
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