Motherhood is an emotion...

Fuss was only 2 weeks old the first time I took him to my parent's house. As a first time parent of an infant, I was looking forward to the day trip simply to have someone else hold him and allow myself a break. I broke down crying the second that my sister asked if she could hold my little bundle of joy (or so I was told he would be), because my wish had come true. I was also crying because 3 of my 4 sisters (sister-in-law included) were pregnant and I realized that it would only be a very short matter of time until he was no longer the youngest, and then maybe I would have to hold him the whole time again. As I sobbed this reality to my sisters and mom, I confessed that I was the worst mom in the world. How could I want to let him go so easily so soon after his birth? My sisters readily assured me that I wasn't horrible, that I was just the first to speak out loud what they had all felt. As reassuring as this was, I was positive that things would have to get easier as he got older...oh, how I was wrong.

The emotion that a mother experiences at any given time is like ranking that emotion on a scale of 1 to 10 and then having her multiply the rank by the number of children she has plus herself, and that is what she is really feeling...still on a scale of 1 to 10. For example, I love to go 4-wheeling, but riding on the back of a 4-wheeler scares me (I like to have the control of direction, speed, and turns). So, while taking our children on a family 4-wheeling adventure, with myself on the back of D's 4-wheeler and Fuss stuffed in the middle of us, and with each of the older boys on the back of various cousins' 4-wheelers, I would normally rank my nervousness about a 9. With 4 children plus myself, I would have to give myself a total rank of 45 out of 10 in the nervous department. As a mother, I have discovered all to well that you will always feel more nervous, scared, happy, excited, joy, ecstatic, etc than you ever thought possible. Everything changes and no matter what you do it will never go back. You can't stop feeling and worrying. The difference is that instead of feeling nervous or fearful for your own safety and well-being, the heightened emotion is for your children. Activities that you once found enjoyable without a second thought will suddenly open your eyes to every danger lurking around every corner. A swim from the dock at the lake, for instance, once a fun challenge now becomes a mathematical equation based on the amount of energy of each swimmer, times their age, divided by the weight of the life jacket, added to the distance of the swim, multiplied by the speed and direction of the wind, equals that you will never be at peace when your children are doing anything that has risk!

This past week D and I took our 4 boys to a family reunion...at a lake. I love lakes. I love water activities of all sorts. I have always hoped that my children would love the water as much as I do...and they do, somewhat to my detriment. I have become acutely aware of the dangers of the water as I never have before. Fuss hates his lifejacket. Skater thinks that if he can touch the mossy rocks at the bottom then he doesn't need his lifejacket, even if the waves from the wind and boats can quickly knock him from his feet and push him to deeper waters. Moo prefers riding his bike away from all adults to swimming in a freezing cold lake where supervision is prevalent. Olie loves the water, and much to my delight is very cautious. If you ever want to know if you have truly become a parent, take your children to a place that as a single person would have been your ideal vacation. If you suddenly realize that you are no longer concerned with your own safety or your own pleasure, then you are a parent.

The thing about releasing yourself from your own self-concern, is that you also have to realize that it will never come back. As a single person, or even just a couple of dinks (double-income-no-kids), you have the right to be selfish...as a parent you don't, and as a parent you don't care. The only thing that matters is that your children are protected and safe. The only thing that matters is that you are a mother. Why do we put ourselves through this? Because at the end of the day, when you are tired beyond exhaustion, and you think that you can go no further, or when you break down in tears because you just want a break, one of those little emotional tortures will stand at your side and say, in the sweetest voice, "mom," and he will hold up his arms for you to pick him up, and he will sit in your lap, and he will wrap his arms around your neck, kiss you, and say, "iluya" and the flood of emotions you feel will be joy...joy at the rank of 10, times the number of children plus yourself, times infinite...because you are his mother.